


The Priceless Sign (or: Excerpts From a Movie That Was Not Quite Written)

by holyninjaemail



Category: Princess Bride (1987)
Genre: Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-12 03:15:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20140060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holyninjaemail/pseuds/holyninjaemail
Summary: Buttercup doesn't do very much in The Princess Bride, does she?  What would be different if she was replaced by a wooden sign?





	The Priceless Sign (or: Excerpts From a Movie That Was Not Quite Written)

_A kid is sick in bed, playing a low quality baseball video game. His mother walks into the room._

Mother: You feeling any better?

[...]

_The kid’s grandfather is sitting on a chair next to the bed, as the kid holds a book._

The Kid: Has it got any sports in it?

Grandfather: Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. Carpentry. Miracles.

The Kid: It doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll try and stay awake.

Grandfather: Oh. Well, thank you very much. It's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. The Priceless Sign, by S. Morgenstern.

[...]

Grandfather: And every day as Westley walked to the farm, he passed a sign. It was an unassuming wooden sign, no shorter or taller or rougher or smoother than average, but on it was written in bright white paint: “This sign is very valuable.”

The Kid: Hold it, hold it. What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where’s the sports? Is this an art book?

[...]

_The carpenter who made the sign glares at Westley._

Carpenter: You could never afford my sign, _farm boy_. I would require so much treasure you could only get it overseas!

Westley: As you wish.

[...]

_Humperdinck stands on his terrace, addressing the assembled kingdom.  
_

Grandfather: Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Humperdinck's newest treasure.

Humperdinck: My people! A month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall install in this square the most impressive, valuable sign the world has ever known. Would you like to see it?

[...]

_A noble is riding their horse in the woods, sign in hand. They pause, noticing Vizzini and company._

Vizzini: We are but poor, lost circus performers...

[...]

_Fezzik, Vizzini, and Inigo are on their boat in the river. The sign is propped up against a mast. Inigo has just noticed another boat following them._

Vizzini: Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise...at night...through eel-infested waters.

_Suddenly, an eel flies through the air and lands in their boat. Two more follow. Inigo squints at the other boat._

Inigo: I think he has a catapult.

Vizzini: What? Inconceivable! Fezzik, throw the eels out of the boat!

_A few more eels crash down. Fezzik is shaking, eyes wide, not moving._

Vizzini: Throw them out now and we’ll all be safe. I doubt you’ll get such an offer from the eels!

_One of the eels coils around the sign and starts to open its mouth wide –  
_

_ – Cut to bedroom_

Grandfather: The sign doesn’t get eaten by the eels at this time.

[...]

_Inigo slices off the head of the eel at the last minute and throws it overboard. The other eels dive off to eat its body._

[...]

_Humperdinck and his men are at the site of the swordfight._

Humperdinck:The loser ran off alone. The winner followed those footprints toward Guilder!

Rugen: Shall we track them both?

Humperdinck: The loser is nothing. Only the sign matters!

[...]

_Vizzini laughs and roars and cackles and whoops and is in all ways quite cheery until he falls over dead._

Man in Black: The smart ones never realize that I’ve built up an immunity to iocane powder. They just assume I'd take a one-half chance of dying.

_The man in black picks up the sign, pausing a moment to stare lovingly at the words “This sign is very valuable.” He sprints off with it._

[...]

_The man in black runs at a pace not quite fast enough to be unsustainable. A drop of rain lands on his head, then another. A third drop lands on the sign._

Man in Black: This is unfortunate.

_He takes off his mask to wrap around the sign for protection. We see that the man in black was Westley all along. For the first time, he seems scared.  
_

Westley: My mask won’t hold off the water long enough for me to get to my ship.

_He pauses, and turns to run in a different direction. Zoom out to reveal Humperdinck watching form above._

Humperdinck: Unless I'm wrong, and I am never wrong, he headed dead into the Fire Swamp.

[...]

_In the Fire Swamp, Westley holds the sign in one hand and his sword in the other. An R.O.U.S. growls and jumps at him. They fight for a bit before Westley speaks.  
_

Westley: You’re certainly no scarier than the Dread Pirate Roberts was when he attacked my ship. I remember it well...

_He monologues for the rest of the fight._

[...]

_The R.O.U.S. is dead. Westley stands over its corpse, his shoulder wounded from the battle._

Westley: I protected this sign from the flame spurts. I rescued it from the lightning sand. I would _never_ let the likes of you take it from me!

_He limps off._

[...]

_Humperdinck and his forces have surrounded Westley as he stands outside the Fire Swamp, sign in hand._

Humperdinck: For the last time! SURRENDER!

Westley: DEATH FIRST!

_One of Humperdinck’s men shoots a flaming arrow at the sign. Westley realizes too late, jumps away to protect it – right into Rugen. His eyes travel to Rugen's glove.  
_

Westley: You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you.

_Ru_ _gen takes the sign and clubs Westley hard across the skull._

[...]

_Humperdinck stands on his balcony._

Grandfather: The king died that very night, and before the following dawn, Humperdinck had installed the sign in the palace courtyard. At noon he went to address his subjects again, this time as their king.

Humperdinck: My father’s final words were –

_– Cut to bedroom. The kid is sitting up in bed._

The Kid: Hold it. Hold it, Grandpa. You read that wrong. Humperdinck get the put up the sign, Westley does. I'm just sure of it. After all that Westley did to get the sign, if he doesn’t end up with it, it wouldn't be fair.

[...]

_Humperdinck is still on the balcony, looking down at his people. They adore the sign, staring at the words “This sign is very valuable”, which they know deep down to be true. Suddenly a voice calls out _–_  
_

Ancient Booer: BOOOOOO! BOOOOOO! BOOOOOO!

[...]

Ancient Booer: Westley cared about the sign enough to bring it through the Fire Swamp, and your king treated him like garbage. And that's what he is, the King of Refuse! So, bow down to him if you want. Bow to him. Bow to the King of Slime, the King of Filth, the King of Putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! BOO! BOOOOO!

_Humperdinck wakes up, panting. As he realizes that was a dream, his eyes grow murderous._

[...]

_Inigo and Fezzik stand inside Miracle Max’s hut. Westley’s body is on the table, a bellows in his mouth. Miracle Max stands over him, looking down._

Miracle Max: Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?

_Miracle Max presses down on Westley’s chest. Grunts slowly emerge._

Westley: Mmmy...sssiiign...

Inigo: His sign. The most valuable in all the land. You heard him. You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.

Miracle Max: Sonny, that sign is the most valuable thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said. He distinctly said "my dime." So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated – 

_A voice rings out from the back._

Valerie: LIIIIAAAAR!

[...]

_Humperdinck stands inside the castle, the sign flat in his arms. A very impressive clergyman stands over it imposingly._

Impressive Clergyman: Bwessings! Bwessing this sign bwings us togeddah todaiy.

[...]

_Westley, Inigo, and Fezzik sit on horses atop a hill, the sun setting in the background._

Grandfather: They rode to freedom. And as dawn arose, Westley, Inigo, and Fezzik knew they were safe. A sense of peace overwhelmed them. And Westley reached for the sign...

_The kid sits on his bed, listening attentively._

The Kid: What? What?

Grandfather: No, it’s art stuff again. You don’t want to hear it.

The Kid: I don’t mind so much.

[...]

_The grandfather slowly walks to the bedroom door._

The Kid: Grandpa? Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.

Grandfather: As you wish...

_The Kid relaxes back into the bed. He imagines Westley and company riding off to their next adventure. The camera rotates, and for the first time we see the other side of the sign, the words clear white paint on the wood __–__ “The End”._


End file.
